The Top 5

You know how there is a buzzer on crosswalks that tells visually impaired citizens when to cross the street and when to stay put? Well, I was in a drive-thru by one of these crosswalks, and here are the top 5 things that I thought that buzzing was. That is until I came to my senses and got smart.

1) Something under my hood. Natural assumption when you are in your car.

2) A bomb. Natural assumption when you read CNN.com often, like I do.

3) A bomb under my hood. Natural assumption when you are paranoid and watch too many spy dramas.

4) Someone What-a-Burger employee trying to seriously mess with me. Natural assumption when you are paranoid and think people live to mess with you.

5) My cell phone, although this buzzing sounded NOTHING like my normal ring tone. Not really natural, just stupid.

And then continuing on my drive home, I passed this one house in the barrio and there were two kids out on the front steps. These kids were in wheelchairs and were popping wheelies and hopping down the stairs in the chairs. I should point out that they were just doing this for fun. They were not disabled...I think. But I'm not making fun of them, so it doesn't matter. So here are the Top 5 Things that would happen if it was me trying to do fancy tricks in the wheelchairs.

1) Inevitably, would lean back too far and hit my head, cracking it open and bleeding all over the steps. Stitches would be required.

2) Chicken out on hopping down the stairs and try to stop myself with my feet, which would just send me tumbling down the steps.

3) Chicken out on hopping down the stairs and try to turn my chair at the last minute, causing one wheel to hang over the side, causing me and the whole chair to tumble down the steps.

4) Chicken out mid-way down the steps and try to stop myself with my feet, which would just not be smart.

5) Make it all the way down the steps, which means I would turn my head to give my friend's a bad ass look, but would forget to apply the breaks and wheel myself right into oncoming traffic. I may or may not get hit.

And then a few blocks later in the barrio, some guy pulled up next to me with his bass pumping very loudly. So loudly that my entire truck was vibrating and the windows were shaking. So these were the Top 5 scenarios that I pretended was happening while I waited for the light to turn green.

1) Not only does my truck take me places, but it also administers full body massages. Jealous?

2) My God it's an earthquake, and no where near a fault line. I must save innocent people.

3) I am in my own personal rap video. I need some rims, some ho's, some gin and juice.

4) I am in an alien tractor beam. I am being abducted. They have been searching for the coolest earthling and they have found me.

5) That bomb that that What-a-Burger employee put under my hood is about to detonate. Everybody run for their lives!

So of course, this is the Top 5 things that all of this nonsense reveals about me.

1) I am cool.

2) I am really cool.

3) Seriously, do you know how cool I am?

4) Ice cold, that's how cool.

5) What do you mean by 'cool is subjective'? Shut up. You know I'm cool. Jealous?