I Would Probably Eat It
First things first, I eat candy that falls on the ground. Let's just get that out there. And I don't obey that 5-second rule. It could be more like 5 minutes with me. It's candy we're talking about. I know people who would never dare to eat anything that just brushed the floor. That is fine. I respect their decision to not take that chance. But I respect my love of candy more. At my high school lunch table, there was a girl who would not eat any piece of candy that happened to fall onto the table. I never understood that. The tables do get wiped down. It might be with dirty rags and cloudy water, but those tables get wiped down. So you can just imagine how awesome it was for me when she would accidentally rip open her Skittles bag and half of them would fall onto the table. She would gather them up and start to head over to the trashcan and I would say,
"Excuse me, where ya going with those things."
And she would say, "Are you seriously going to eat these?"
I would nod.
She would continue, "But they fell on the table."
And I would just stare at her, expressing my lack of concern.
And she would go, "The TABLE. They fell on the TABLE." She would say it slowly and loudly like I had gone deaf and/or dumb.
So then I would be forced to take them from her hands and eat them. We came to an understanding. I got all of her table-tainted candy. It was good. I've eaten candy that has fallen on the floor of my cubicle, the floorboard of my truck, concrete, grass, dirt, swimming pools, and the list goes on. I'm still kicking, so it must not be too bad.
I also have a hard time telling when food is spoiled, unless you know, it's growing something. If something is REALLY spoiled I'll probably pick up on it, but I know people who get rid of food at the first sign of slight spoilage. I just don't know what those signs are.
Example #1: A while back, for a few mornings I noticed that the milk tasted a little funny with my cereal. Not horribly funny, but still funny. Now, I knew that my fridge was on the fritz and wasn't as cold as it should be, but I figured that the milk couldn't be spoiling unless the temperature inside the fridge was hot. As long as I kept the door shut, it should remain cool enough until maintenance came, or so I thought. That could definitely not be why the milk tasted funny. I just assumed it was the half-gallon that I bought. Because that was the smart assumption. That there is one half-gallon in the whole store that tastes just a bit off, and I happened to buy it. I drank that junk for three straight days until I came to my senses. Still living though.
Examples #2: One weekend I was over at my folk's house and I started to raid the fridge. They were running errands so I was just hanging out until they got home. When they did return we were all in the kitchen just shooting the breeze when my mom starts to look in the fridge. "Don't use this ham", she announces. "It's bad. It should have been thrown out already." I had already eaten two ham sandwiches. Heart still beating!
And the final story. I probably shouldn't even share this, but here goes. Sometimes you get hungry. Sometimes you want a certain food really bad. Did I mention that sometimes you are slightly buzzed? Sometimes you see this certain type of food right in front of you. And sometimes that location happens to be a trashcan. What do you do? Well, I ate it. I ate a piece of pizza out of a trashcan. Wait, stop! Where are you going? Don't look at me like that! There were circumstances. The piece of pizza itself was in the pizza box, which was lying on top of the trashcan in the dorm hall. The actual slice had no contact with any garbage. It's the same thing as eating a slice of pizza from a box laying on your kitchen table, except you know, minus the trash and stuff. But I don't care. I stand by my choice. It was pizza! And that pizza was good. And it hit the spot. And I went back to my room and passed out with a full stomach. Judge me all you want. Go ahead and think I'm disgusting. But I'm alive and well. And there are little kids in third world countries that would have given their toes for that piece of pizza, and I WILL NOT make those kids feel inferior for being willing to do that. See, don't you feel guilty now? Envision the poor little kids. Don't you want to eat pizza from a trashcan now? Huh? No? Where are you going?
